My sons:
I went to Moab on Thursday afternoon and return last night late. I went with Mike Jensen (Morgan's Dad) and Dave Witbeck (Alissa's Dad), both of whom have daughters who are marriageable age. Their conversation was enlightening; I listened and thought of you. Essentially, both of them have noticed things about young men of your generation that bother them. As they talked, I made mental notes because I thought the information would serve you well. I also was reminded of things I've done well as a parent and some things that I've not done so well. Here are a few issues along with my thoughts on possible remedies:
Entitlement
1) Young men of your generation feel entitled because their parents haven't made them work for things. Morgan lived at home and worked at Al's to put herself through school. She graduated with a degree in HR, no student debt, and 15K in the bank. One of the boys that dated her thought that she should quit her job at Al's, move out, and get a job in her field of study. The irony is that he was unemployed at the time with no foreseeable employment prospects. I guess he did live in an apartment though. You tell me... did he have it right?
My advice - get a job, work hard and smart, don't spend money you haven't earned, and respect other people's jobs regardless of their employment. Being gainfully employed is far better than having no employment. I hope I've set a good example for you as you've grown up that work is and can be joyful. I hope you both choose employment that you enjoy and then you get into it and do it to the best of your ability.
Mom has been concerned that we didn't make you have a job during your teen years. I think she has a point. I guess time and experience will tell if we've failed you in that regard. I want you to realize that nothing worth having will come to you without effort and work. Life doesn't owe you anything. That said, there is everything right with working smart. Your ability to learn and adapt knowledge to your work can be a huge difference maker. In my opinion, that's why education is so critical... not so that you can learn chemistry, math, english, biology, law, etc., but rather so you can learn how to learn and then apply your knowledge. Your education, or your joy in learning, is a difference maker in your life.
Relationships, Dating, and Marriage
2) Young men that these girls have dated text rather than call, aren't familiar with the parents, want to hang-out instead of date, are controlling and insecure, and are not clean. Lots of problems that I hope you never have.
You will get lots of well-meaning advice from almost everyone on this subject. Your mission president will have words for you as he sends you home. Other people will have advice for you when you get here.
My intent is to preempt everyone because I have some advice of my own.
In the Old Testament we read, To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak... This is especially true in your life right now. And so my thoughts...
a) a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted
You have effectively been planting your entire life to this date. You have planted seeds of friendship and memories with people you have interacted with in the relationships you have had to date. The facts are that you will never stop planting. Even today, I believe that I plant seeds with everyone I interact with. The fact is that I wish I was a better planter and cultivator of those relationships. My advice then; relationships are everything. There is nothing else. Plant and cultivate well. At some point in the future, your harvest will be returned to you in full.
b) a time to laugh...a time to dance
As you make good choices in life, your joy will be full; that is the consequence of good choices. So, make good choices. As you do, there will be many moments when you will be overwhelmed with joy. On your wedding night, whenever that night is, make sure you are fully prepared to laugh and dance.
c) A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together
There will be times when you need to retool. Some friends will move on and find different interests, some will make poor choices, some simply will never appreciate your friendship. At times you may feel alone. That's okay. There is a time to cast away stones. Some friends are golden; you never want to lose them even though life will take you in different directions. I encourage you to keep these golden friends close to the vest. One day, you'll meet up and the reunion will be great. Gather those stones... You'll move into a ward where you don't know anyone. You'll reach out and love those ward members and those relationships will be amazing. You may have that chance on many occasions. Some of these people will be your closest friends in life. Gather them stones...
b) a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing
You're single. Stay clean. I promise you that you won't regret it. You're both so handsome and wonderful... the challenge is to stay that way. It is in this context that I think "hanging out" is a great thing. If you are wise, you will observe the girls you hang-out with and become friends with the best of them. I see this all the time in the YSA ward, there are girls that have developed wonderful attributes that merit the attention of a quality young man. So, before you pair-off, remember that getting involved with a young woman means feelings and attraction. Make sure the girl you get involved with is one of the greats. Then, curb your hormones such that you can truly make a good decision for a wife and so you can laugh and dance on the night of your wedding.
e) A time to get, a time to keep
Jed Packer came home from his mission and met Kristen within a very short time. She was cute and he decided that he was going to pursue her until she told him that he couldn't have her. I respect his determination. I felt that I wanted to wait to get married until I had most of my education behind me. I had no interest in being a starving student. I was uncertain about who to marry and left many failed relationships with many great girls behind as a result. Better or worse? I don't know.
Everyone has an opinion on how they want to lead their life. You have an opinion. Consider your opinion and rejoice that it's yours. My advice as relating to marriage is to follow a path that you believe is the best path for you. Make your decisions accordingly. Become your best self so you are worthy of the very best companionship. Ask God for help in that endeavor.
One of the greatest love stories ever told is of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob worked for seven years, was tricked by Laban, and worked another seven years for Rachel's hand in marriage. The record simply says, And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.
There is a time to get. Get your education, get a job, and get your girl. I hope you you find your Rachel.
f) a time to keep silence, and a time to speak
I have thought a lot about what is yet to transpire in your life. I have high hopes, and opinions. Now that I have spoken, I will try to keep silent unless you ask for advice. Please be patient with me if I slip. I sincerely only want the best for you.
I'm sure I'll have more thoughts when I have times like this past weekend. Be patient with me. You are amazing young men. I love you both very much.
Dad
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